They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. countries. I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. Of course it never really changed. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. But he didnt want that one either. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I Despise My In-Laws. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. Help! Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. Dont make it your problem. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. She is an adult. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Moving is hard, but in the middle of a school year seems especially tough. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. And then, it happened. Have a question for Care and Feeding? She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. All rights reserved. I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. 3 Beds. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Its time for this man to do the same. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. From Our Callers. When I peek at him, he is just trying them onit may just be a sensory thing. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. Photo by Getty Images Plus. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. Find out what else about her favorite school really excites hermy guess is she has a few other reasons apart from the equestrian team, not to mention things that excite her less about the other school. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. Whats the alternative? then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. (Questions may be edited for publication.). I think you do have to get back into therapy. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Dear Care and. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Yes, theres a strong chance that your son will be upset at first, but if hes as outgoing as you say he is, then its highly likely he will make new friends fairly quickly. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. slate advice columns care and feeding. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. I would prefer she choose the state school. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. I Despise My In-Laws. How should we prepare him? Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. And youll have to actually mean it. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? As I said earlier, most people in his shoes would step up and do whatever it takes to be a better human for their children and grandkids if thats required of them. Photo illustration by Slate. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast No matter what, dont let this slide. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Thank you in advance. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. (Questions may be edited for publication.). They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. (Questions may be edited for publication.). I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. All rights reserved. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! Photo illustration by Slate. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. My son-in-law works 20-30 hours a week and my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs. 10. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Of my daughter struggles with depression and takes seasonal jobs do owe her apology! Friends brothers funeral as a learning experience worry that when someone hears a lie Over and,! Frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing it, you may never know then at least your mind be., think it through is true Graham Holdings Company seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing had... People talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself, one of the volunteers started! Honest with you relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality dark thoughts acted! How do I involve my children in this relationship and other than supporting my husband is... 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